I cope with failure by telling other people about it. It's just what I do.
These fails are the short stories, the stuff that makes up my day-to-day life. Stuff that I post about on Facebook for status updates. The quick anecdotes that really aren't long enough to warrant their very own, long-form blog posts, but stuff that I kind of want to keep track of and have somewhere on my blog.
The best option I could think of handling these little ditties was to keep a running compilation. The bonus is that every time I add, I'll get a chance to go back and read about ALL of my recent fails. (And that, my friends, can be a bonus for you, too.) However, these will be dated with the most recent post being on top, so if you don't really feel like going back to read about every silly thing I've done, you don't have to. But I do encourage and recommend rereading. Laughing at me is good for the soul.
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5/16/2018
I realized it'd been while since I posted an epic life fail, so here you go:
Not long ago, I went through the checkout lane at my neighborhood Super Saver with these four items: children’s cough syrup, lice shampoo, a pregnancy test, and sauerkraut. It wasn’t my best day.
For my checker, I end up with a teenage boy who I often see there...so I’m doing my damndest to not make eye contact and just get the hell out. He slides the first item through the scanner.
Boy: So, you expecting?
My first reaction: completely gobsmacked by the question. Second reaction: Do I educate him? Let him know that a) if I’m buying a pregnancy test, I *don’t know* if I’m expecting, and b) it’s pretty much never going to be okay to ask a woman about a pregnancy test she’s buying at Super Saver?
Third reaction (and the one I went with):
Me: Welp, it appears I might be! (silly, theater-style exaggerated shrug and goofy smile)
There’s a semi-long, awkward pause. I see that boy’s eyes land on the lice shampoo. My knuckles go white around my debit card as I brace myself for the next question.
Boy: So, sauerkraut for supper?
(AUTHOR’S NOTE, for the curious: No, I wasn’t. The only unexpected lives in our home that week were the lice.)
8/23/2017
Seal on my water bottle is messed up & water just spilled into my lap. Just in my crotch region, though. They call me Dr. Pee Pants.
8/19/2017
I had to push my dinner away because I kept smelling something weird as I was eating, and it made me lose my appetite.
It's four hours later and I'm realizing that the smell was me.
Winning at life this weekend.
8/18/2017
When you are diligently cleaning all the wood in your office..and realize you've been dusting with Lysol.
I now have germ free shelves. And a shop teacher, wood fanatic hubs that *might* disown me.
8/16/2017
Just thought I'd share my last three meal choices with you all, for kicks:
1) Last night's supper: apple pie with Cool Whip.
2) Today's breakfast: PB & J
3) Lunch (at 2 PM): Greek yogurt
8/14/2017
I've listened to Hook by Blues Traveler four times today. I really don't know why, but it's all that sounds good. I've never really even liked Blues Traveler much.
It's like the time I could only eat Arby's sauce (straight out of the packet), but with music.
EDIT: I also tweeted about this. It was not an especially complimentary tweet. AND EFFING BLUES TRAVELER tweeted back. *Sigh* #allyfails
UPDATE: And THEN all of the BT loyal came out with their pitchforks, after my head....so I deleted my Tweet! Yikes! Who knew I was so controversial....
8/6/2017
Superego: Are you gonna shower this weekend?
Ego: Why? Who cares?
Id: Also, let's eat sweetened condensed milk with a spoon.
7/14/2017
Pulled into Super Saver and saw James at the gas pump. Waved at him. He doesn't see me, so I wave bigger, flapping my arms wildly. Still doesn't see me. Drives away.
Guy at the next pump waves back. Flapping his arms.
6/12/2017
When you show up for your first night of volleyball at a new place. And walk into a strip club on accident.
5/16/2017
I accidentally brewed myself a fully caffeinated cup of coffee today. I started wondering if I had when I realized I felt IN LOVE with life and had SO MANY great ideas, but couldn't follow through with any of them. Instead I sang just Angelica's rap from Schuyler Sisters seven times in a row, while also trying to pay my biller and finish a case note and answer emails.
The fact that my hands are shaking was another giveaway. James has confirmed my error by sending me a picture of the offending K-Cup.
As a point of reference, I get a slight caffeine jolt from decaf. The most I will usually ever go for is half-caff, and that's pushing my limits.
My clients are about to get either the best or the worst therapy experiences of their lives.
5/3/2017
Wanted to go to bed early. Instead, I inadvertently started a political debate on Facebook and spent upwards of an hour arguing with my husband about whether or not to soak crusty dishes before washing them.
That sounds about right.
4/26/2017
Last night while reading, something I do EVERY NIGHT, I managed to badly scratch my face. Deep enough that it bled. With my thumbnail. Just thought I'd share.
4/17/2017
This morning I discovered a brand new patch of white hair had cropped up on my head, seemingly overnight. Appalled, I moved closer to the mirror to examine. I ran a hand through it in desperation, trying to figure out what style would hide it best. The white crumbled off into my hands. And that's when I realized it was just Cool Whip in my hair.
I don't know whether to put this in the Win or Fail column.
4/12/2017
Awesome morning conversation #2:
Evie: Jonah, what's black and white and red all over?
Jonah: I don't know.
Evie: A newspaper! Get it? R-E-A-D all over?
Me (having an epiphany): Oh my gosh. I totally get that joke now. I've heard it lots of times but just thought it was really stupid. Never understood the red part.
Evie: Mommy, sometimes I wonder about you.
3/6/2017
Saw my accountant today. I managed to make only one awkward and completely unprompted confession: one time, three years ago, I forgot to pay the electric bill for our house and got our power shut off. Fortunately, because I can't seem to stop myself, Tom has agreed to be my financial sin-absolver. He said this would only cost $50/month. Also, I brought him a six-pack of beer for his troubles, because I was pretty sure that I would say something stupid today.
#forgivemeTomforIhavesinned --> Tom, we have a hashtag now
(For more on my relationship with Tom the accountant, click here. He got his very own post.)
Just spilled most of a bottle of Peppermint essential oil all over the front of my shirt, so much that it soaked it through. I smell like an effing Christmas village, but my stomach and chest now has this curiously cool tingle that I don't mind.
2/24/2017
I'm setting the record on first-world problems this morning, the most dramatic of which being 1) I bought almond butter that is salted, and it's gross and I hate it and it made me not be able to finish my breakfast, and 2) I fell really hard on the ice this morning, wounding my knee and my pride.
In an attempt to heal my mood, I chose my Queen playlist, which always helps. First song up on shuffle mode: Another One Bites the Dust.
Tomorrow, or whenever my knee stops aching, I will laugh about this. But for today, I say: eff you, gross salty almond butter; eff you, stupid treacherous weather, and eff you, Freddie Mercury, for mocking me.
12/30/2016
So, I purchased $5 gift certificates for my office mates to Taco Inn, which is this small-biz, Lincoln-only, sort of good Mexican fast food place that all of us happen to like. It was more or less an inside joke/gag-gift-that-wasn't-really-a-gag-gift gift. Before Christmas, I placed the gift certificates into four Christmas cards, which I then put in my purse to distribute at work on my last day before Christmas.
I however neglected to distribute said cards, and the unmarked envelopes remained at-large in my purse. As it happened, the time came when we needed more Christmas cards to distribute to neighbors, friends, and family just before and on Christmas. Since I had a few in my purse, I grabbed them out and handed them out.
Including the Taco Inn-filled cards.
So now random friends, family, or neighbors have received Taco Inn gift certificates from me. I feel weird about this, for many reasons: 1) Taco Inn is not usually a gift card I'd distribute to people...I think folks are going to be looking at this and thinking "WTF, why Taco Inn? Couldn't it at least have been Chipotle?, 2) Will people feel like I went out of my way to give them a gift, and now feel like they have to give me some sort of gift card to a random place in return?, 3) Only FOUR people got a gift card, but we handed out 70+ cards. It feels like I inadvertently instituted some sort of lottery for my friends and family in which the prize happened to be really crappy.
If you were a lucky winner: Congrats! Enjoy your Taco Inn!!
12/8/2016:
Yesterday I went to the bank (same bank where I recently poked myself in the eye with my sunglasses, incidentally).
There’s this rug in front of the door that I trip over EVERY time I leave. Yesterday being no exception, I tripped—but I tripped hard. Like the kind where you trip and then that turns into a stumble and then you almost fall. I didn’t *quite* fall, but instead landed in what I can only describe as a “superhero crouch”—you know, how Spiderman lands after a big jump? Kind of squatted down but alert and ready for action? That was me.
I somehow also landed facing the tellers, which was great, because I got to see their concerned/amused/horrified faces. One had stepped around the counter and was halfway headed towards me, looking terrified (because you know, I’m a very intimidating person). “Are you okay, ma’am?” he said, stopping in his tracks as I looked up at him. Maybe he thought I was about to pounce or shoot a web or something.
And I swear to God this is what I did: I hopped up in one fluid motion, dropped straight down into a curtsy (I have NO IDEA why I chose to do that), said “just kidding” and then walked out.
Awesomely, I have to go back to that bank tomorrow.
******
10/26/2016
You need these facts to understand this story: My calves are kind of scrawny, and my feet are exceptionally long—genetic gifts from my father.
Yesterday I changed into my gym clothes in my office, which is something I regularly do after my last session. But yesterday I was in a rush. I was wearing skinny jeans—cut for someone whose legs and feet are proportionate. So I’m standing, because in my mind this makes things go faster, and pulling my clothes off at the rate of fricking Clark Kent. The jeans slide easily off of my legs but then stick when I get down to my LONG ass foot. The jeans are not made for these feet. I pull and pull, and I’m hopping backwards on my other foot as I pull. Unbeknownst to me, I was gaining ground as I hopped—leading to me hopping into the side of my therapy chair and going ass-over-teakettle over the arm of it. When the tangle of limbs and clothing and frustration and bemusement that was me landed on my rug, the jeans were still attached at the ankle. Because FEET. Size 11, y’all.
Also, I collided with my socks on the way down and one of them was stuck to my face, somehow.
#whathappensinmyofficestaysinmyoffice #notreallythough
******
10/20/2016
Yesterday I went to the bank. The light was golden, the trees were technicolor, and the air was crisp. All of this sensory input had a positive effect on my mood and outlook. And I was wearing these newish pants that I like. And the breeze was rippling through my hair, which I'd actually washed that day.
All of the sudden, I felt cool. Like a cool, empowered girl (woman?) walking out of the bank, her psuedo-trendy booties marking her progress on her journey back to her beige minivan. As I walked, another gentle wave of wind blowing back my tresses, I whipped my sunglasses off of my head to put them on my face...
...and stuck myself in my eye, hard, with one of the earpieces.
And that was the end of my 5 seconds of feeling cool.
#lizlemon
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