Ladies: Please stop diminishing yourselves

Every day I bear witness to you, women of my life--clients, friends, and family--going to great lengths to make yourselves smaller, because you think it will make you feel better. I don’t just mean that you are attempting to diminish yourselves size and weight wise, though that’s part of it. I mean I watch you literally shrinking, in body, mind, spirit.

You try to keep your ideas "reasonable," rather than big, innovative, ambitious. You try to tame your hearts and your passions, because you want to be seen as calm and cool- maybe because you want to feel "in control," maybe because you've learned from others that you are "too big," emotionally. You were told your emotions or needs took up too much space, so you squish them down, subjugate them until they are no more than an echo at the bottom of a dark glass jar.

You bend to your partners’ wills, while squelching your own needs, because that’s “what women do” (especially moms!). You try to be everything to everyone (and of course, fail at this impossible task), and in the meantime, you lose all allegiance to yourselves. You assume that by being less—of everything—you will somehow be worth more in the eyes of others.

You apologize too much. I am also extremely guilty of the crime of being overly apologetic. We say “I’m sorry” for everything, and most of the time, we have nothing to be sorry for. It’s like women live in this apologetic bubble in which we assume that our default position is wrong. With every apology we shrink ourselves by assuming the one-down position, by taking responsibility for a situation that might not even be ours to claim.

And of course, you are trying to be physically smaller. Sometimes a weight loss goal is very healthy and proactive: You want to be able to run with your children and not be winded. You want to be able to feel more comfortable on airplanes and at sporting events. You want to keep your heart healthy. I applaud these goals. They are great goals.

Ninety percent of the time, though, what I hear is: You want to be thinner. You want to get into a smaller size of bridesmaid dress for your sister’s wedding. You want to look desirable. These goals break my heart a little bit.

Why? Why does your goal of being smaller shatter me? Couple of reasons, first of them being that I can relate. Body image and I have not always had the most friendly relationship, so I feel extreme empathy for those of you in this situation. The other reason is that with those goals of being smaller, there’s an unspoken assumption that smaller is better. That you will be somehow be worth more, to yourselves or others, if you were just fifteen pounds lighter or a couple of dress sizes smaller.

No, ladies. No. You are the same you, the same powerful, wonderful, gloriously messy and flawed you, no matter what you are packaged in. Your worth is immutable. Your power is unassailable—you just need to realize it to grasp it. It’s always there for you. Just reach out and grab what's been yours all along.

And furthermore: your body is not a conversation piece, or a piece of art. It’s not here to be looked at, picked apart, criticized, approved or disapproved of. That’s not what it’s for. Our bodies are meant for doing things. They’re meant for gardening and walking and playing sports and cooking and lifting and reading and thinking and talking. We have bodies so that we can live, not so we can be looked at. Ladies, you are so much more than an object.

The other half of this equation? Stop objectifying other women. Please, for the love of God, stop this.

Let me share with you an example of how we inadvertently objectivity each other: I was working with a client in her mid-twenties last year, and one of her goals was to lose weight. She had good rationale for wanting the weight loss – she had just learned she was pre-diabetic and wanted to lower her risk— and so I supported her in working on this. She worked hard on a nutrition and exercise plan. She dropped many pounds and several dress sizes, and she and others could see the difference in her body. She felt better about herself, and she felt physically better as well. One day she said to me, “Allison, I have to ask: why don’t you ever say anything about my body? I know you’re on my side, and I know our work has been a big part of why I’ve been able to lose weight. But you never say anything about how I look. Do you notice the changes?”

And I said, “I can see how it might make you nervous that I don’t give you feedback about your body. You’re used to getting that kind of feedback from others?”

She said, “Yeah. It makes me feel good.”

And I said, “That makes sense. Of course it feels good to get compliments. Here’s something I want you to know, though: I will feel the same about you no matter what your body looks like. I’m happy for you in your weight loss, because you set a goal and have achieved it, and you clearly feel better, and that’s great! Yet, I thought the world of you before you lost weight. And I think the world of you now. Your worth to me is the same.”

The client started to cry. She said she’d never thought of herself as always worthwhile, regardless of her weight. She began to discuss how to others, especially her mother, her value seemed to be all tied up in her weight. Her mother seemed to like her more when she weighed less. She gave more compliments and wanted to go on more shopping trips and just overall seemed to like client more when client was at a smaller size. And she noticed mother’s disapproval at times when she was larger: a purse of the lips, a way that her mother had of tugging her shirts down “because your love handles are showing.”

Now, to be fair: I don’t think this client’s mother is a terrible person. I really don’t. I think the client's mom really cared about my client and wanted good things for her. Yet, I think that the mother is a victim of perfectionism, societal brainwashing, and doing a poor job of stopping to think about all the ways in which her actions could affect her child. No doubt someone objectified the mom at some point, too.

And I think that most of us, if we’re being honest, have probably acted like that mom at some point. Maybe not in such blatant ways, but I bet you’ve done it. Have you never gossiped with your cousins about your other cousin’s recent weight gain?  Have you never sized up the other ladies in the gym, at the office, at school? Have you never internally ragged on another woman for choosing to wearing clothes that you found to be unflattering on her?

Ladies, look deep within yourself and really give yourself an honest appraisal: do you value your friends, your mothers, your daughters more when they weigh less? And even if you don’t truly value them more, do you compliment them more? Want to spend more time with them? Accidentally give them the impression that they are better if they are smaller? If you look inside and see that you do, you wouldn’t be alone: all of us have been conditioned to do this shit. It’s just time to de-condition. Declare a moratorium on hating on your own body, and you might find that it’s easier to not hate on others’. Make a pact with your friends to not bitch about your bodies when you’re together. Agree not to objectify yourselves or others.

I also want you to know that to judge is human-- we're all doing it, all the time. It's adaptive, in many ways-- we're trying to put things into categories so that we know how to interact with our worlds efficiently. So yeah, your brain is going to keep popping off objectifying thoughts: "too fat," "too emotional" "too much," towards yourself and others. You won't be able to stop the thought parade. What you can do? Stop drinking the kool-aid. Stop buying into those thoughts. Recognize that thoughts are just thoughts and don't necessarily represent "the truth"-- about anything. Accept that you are inherently judgmental but that you can work towards being more compassionate with yourself and others. 

Being smaller won’t make you a better person. It absolutely won’t. So blow your hair out and wear it big. Take up space. Spread your legs at a basketball game like the dudes do—there’s no reason why you shouldn’t. (Dudes blame their packages for the leg spread phenomenon, but I don’t buy it. No dude’s package is big enough to warrant that much spread.) Wear a shirt because you like the way you feel in it. Unapologetically say your piece at your next work meeting. Tell your family how you feel and ask for what you want. Assert your needs with your friends. Dream big, smile big, laugh loudly, talk with your hands. Let enthusiasm light up your face. Don’t be delicate—be vast and brilliant.

You’re a person of worth, all the time.

Get it, girls.